Red flags I wish I'd spotted sooner – a list for my younger self
After two terrible relationships, here are the early warning signs I now know to watch for. Not to make anyone paranoid – but because I wish someone had laid them out for me:
- Love-bombing in the first few weeks (intense attention, gifts, declarations of love way too fast) - Making you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family - 'Jokes' that are actually put-downs, followed by 'you're too sensitive' - Wanting to know your location, passwords, or messages - Getting angry when you set a simple boundary
None of these on their own are necessarily dealbreakers. But a pattern of them? Trust your gut. It's smarter than you think.
Comments (13)
the one about someone making you feel guilty for having plans without them hit hard. didn't even realise that was a red flag until way after
Same! That was one of the last ones I added to the list because I didn't see it clearly until I was out of it.
this list is really useful. i think the hardest part is that a lot of these things feel normal when you're in the middle of it. like someone checking your phone – i used to think that was just what people did in relationships.
Exactly. That's what makes them red flags and not obvious deal-breakers. They feel normal until they don't.
this is such a valuable list jasmine. one thing i'd add – a lot of these red flags are easier to see in hindsight, and that's not a failure on anyone's part. when you're emotionally invested your brain literally filters them out as a protection mechanism. spotting them now means you've done the work to see clearly
the brain filtering thing makes so much sense. i used to beat myself up for not leaving sooner but maybe i just couldn't see it yet
exactly. you left when you were ready to see it. that's not late – that's right on time for you
the one about someone apologising but never actually changing their behaviour – that one got me. i had a friend who would do this constantly. 'sorry, i know, i'll do better' and then nothing ever changed. took me years to realise the apology was just a way to reset the clock
Reset the clock is the perfect way to describe it. That's exactly what it is.
do you think some of these can apply to friendships too? because reading through the list i kept thinking about a mate who does a lot of this stuff.
100%. I wrote it about romantic relationships but honestly most of these apply to any close relationship – friends, family, even work dynamics.
definitely. i actually noticed more of these patterns in friendships than in relationships if i'm honest. the guilt-tripping, the keeping score, the subtle put-downs – it all applies
saving this whole post. going to come back to it whenever i need a reality check
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Scripts, strategies, and support for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Spotting red flags, asserting needs without aggression, and navigating the guilt that comes with saying no.