Does anyone else get anxious when things are going well?
Weird question maybe. But when my relationship is calm and happy, I get this dread that something bad is about to happen. Like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. Is this an attachment thing?
Comments (10)
Not a weird question at all – I get this too! When things are peaceful I start scanning for what's about to go wrong. My therapist calls it 'foreboding joy' and apparently it's really common in anxious attachment. You struggle to trust good things because historically they didn't last.
foreboding joy. that's exactly it. nice to know there's a name for it.
This is an extremely common experience in anxious attachment. Your nervous system learned that calm is the precursor to disruption – so safety itself becomes a threat signal. The waiting for the shoe to drop is your system staying vigilant because relaxing once felt dangerous. It is absolutely an attachment pattern, and it can shift with consistent, safe relational experience over time.
that makes so much sense. calm was never safe when i was growing up. thanks for explaining it like that.
yes. all the time. my partner said something nice last week and my first thought was 'what did they do wrong.' it's exhausting not trusting good things.
I call this my 'threat scanner' – it's like my brain has a background process running at all times looking for evidence that things are about to fall apart. Even when everything is objectively fine. Learning to sit with peace without scanning for danger is probably the hardest thing I've worked on in therapy.
threat scanner is a good way to put it. mine runs 24/7.
Something that helps me with this: when I notice the dread, I try to say 'things are good right now and that's allowed.' It feels forced at first but over time it's like giving my nervous system permission to relax. Just a bit.
Thank you for asking this. Sometimes the 'weird' questions are the most important ones because they make everyone realise they're not alone in it.
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