Why avoidance feels like it helps – but actually keeps you stuck
Something I explain to nearly every client: when you avoid a feared situation, the immediate relief teaches your nervous system that the threat was real. You never stayed long enough to learn otherwise. That's the anxiety cycle – avoid, feel relief, become more sensitive next time.
Breaking it doesn't mean jumping into the deep end. It means finding a 2/10 difficulty version of what you're avoiding and staying with it long enough for the anxiety to peak and then naturally fall.
What's one thing you've been side-stepping lately? Even naming it is a start.
Comments (11)
i've been avoiding making phone calls for months. even the thought of it makes my chest tight. but maybe that's my 2/10 thing – starting with a quick call somewhere low-stakes.
Phone calls are one of the most common avoidance targets I see. Starting with a low-stakes call – perhaps an automated line or a familiar environment – is an excellent first step. The key is staying on the line long enough for the initial spike to crest and fall.
that helps, thanks. gonna try calling my dentist this week. small but it's something.
This is exactly what my therapist explained when I started exposure therapy! The relief you get from leaving the supermarket teaches your brain that supermarkets are dangerous. Three months later I can actually do a full shop now. The science behind it makes so much sense when you hear it laid out like this.
the 2/10 thing is a good way to think about it. i've been avoiding work meetings. maybe joining one with my camera off is my 2/10.
Camera off is a perfectly valid starting point. Gradual exposure means meeting yourself where you are, not where you think you should be. Once that feels manageable, perhaps try camera on for the last five minutes of a meeting.
this explains so much. i've been avoiding opening certain emails and it just keeps getting worse. the longer i leave them the scarier they get.
Can I just say – the way you phrase things makes it so much less intimidating? 'Even naming it is a start' really took the pressure off. Thank you for that.
Thank you, Mia. That is precisely the intention – reducing the barrier to entry. Naming a fear is itself an act of approach rather than avoidance, and that shift matters more than people realise.
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